The Pain Can't Trust The Smile

I knew the next post that would be up on this sorry blog would either be an ecstatic one or an unbelievably melancholic one. I waited, and I have been waiting until now, to put something up that would define my next course of action for my life. And I’m sorry, only too sorry myself, that it has to be a post that most people will find dispiriting. I have tried so long, so hard to find truth in perseverance and relief in hard work that when it all came down to nothing, it feels like I did not need a heart to begin with anyway.

The Friday sun I had got up to earlier today had long disappeared behind a cluster of robust clouds. The sunshine in the early part of the morning had greeted me with tranquil warmth as I went through the pages of my textbook, that I subconsciously ignored the sound pollution that came through my open window. I was copying my notes all over again because this is how I usually study, and by writing I actually get words and principles into my head better than reading them off their pages. And I spent two straight hours revising, like I knew I had a chance. I revised like I did today because I knew inside myself that I could get a perfect score for my papers on Monday. I was convicted that nothing was going to stand in my way and I was so fully focused that I even became annoyed at the fact that I had to break for lunch, because I had not had anything to eat earlier. Later on, I had to leave with a driver to pick up my cousins from OU and I noticed, as I was heading into Tropicana, that the sky had turned hopelessly glum. You see, I have always noticed that the weather could tell how your day was going to turn out to be but I forewent the idea that my day was going to suck because I held strong convictions about myself and my goals but little did I know that I was to be pushed off my cliff of confidence in a matter of hours. After the workout at the club, I went online to check my mail and strangely there was only one mail in my inbox when I always had at least two to ten. I saw who it was from and my heart stopped for a second, or two, as I clicked to open it. The university that I had all my hopes on sent that email and I went straight to the concluding sentences because I needed to know just One thing. Was I In or was I Out? I had to read the second-last sentence at least three times over to finally accept that I did not get through and it felt as if my heart fell out of my chest, ran itself through fragmented glass, and gingerly climbed back into my chest again. I sat there lost for words, my confidence shattered, and my mind completely blank. It was only until I got a phone call from Zane did I snap out of disbelief back into reality, and it did not take long before “they” started to trickle down my face, in big, heavy droplets.

I thought I could avoid “them” for at least a year or so because it is rarely ever a good thing to me when “they” come. But “they” came today, and it was only obvious why “they” did. I had spent the last year-and-a-half with my heart and soul set into my studies, staying up late nights and making long, distant trips just so my work would condone to my own personal standards. I lived so hard and sacrificed so much just so I could be proud of what I would achieve in the future, today, only to find out that it was all for nothing. I have been marginalized by the cruelty of systems and that has left me drained of my passion to sit the exams with a purpose. No wait, I do not even feel the same desire to study anymore for the paper because it would just all be a waste of my effort. I am sure of my grades, and surplus to that would just make me seem desperate. Looking at past and present course mates, I know I’d graduate with brighter prospects than at least 90% of them but still, I could not get what I had wanted so badly. I am not only bitter because I did not get into my preferred institution of higher education, but also because of the ever-increasing likelihood that I will be staying back here to do my degree when everyone I had grown up with are going over, across, South, North, anywhere AWAY to experience a whole new world. I was so set on leaving on my own new path, to start life anew in a brand new culture that I practically left my heart on the spot on the map where I wanted to go. I do not want to be here, to see the same people and be tied down to things that are still close to me. I want to be left unattached somewhere on my own, to learn independence through loneliness and to find meaning in the struggles. The expectations I had on myself had always seen me ride the obstacles through my education, and I expected so much more as I lost sight of every hurdle. Maybe this is why I’m shattered like I am now, because I expected too much when after all, my efforts are not good enough. I never thought I was unworthy of anything until today, when the one thing I had hoped so much for had gone against me in the time when I am most fragile, pressured to do well in the coming exam. I look around me and I see people rising up, but I search inside me and I see my dreams crumbling down. I have always known that failure has a humbling effect on people, but this is taking me further into utter desolation.

People are telling me that there is a plan somehow somewhere in this abominable situation, but I am still trying to see how and why. I thought my plan was good enough and if I were to be broken like this in favor of an alternative direction, I await with a smirk to see what is in stored. I was actually on a flight to realizing my dreams, when reality smashed the tailfin of my plane with a strike of failure. I have proved myself through all the little stages but I failed where it matters most. I long to take back time so I can try harder still because efforts are certainly not justified by my current predicament. I know I had my chance and no one who knows me will say that I did not take it, because I did with both hands and my feet. There is no doubt I’ll come back stronger though, but it just hurts so much to be led into a deep, dark ditch when everyone else is walking around it. I feel so alone, I am clueless, and I am disheartened. I am trying to search, but I do not know where to start or even if I should. The point is that my hope is broken and I am without a shadow at the moment, I can only drift between thoughts of pain and emotions of regret but strangely, it feels just like where I could spend this night.

The Fear You Won't Fall

There is a type of silence that sends the coldest of chills down the spine of the heart. It temporarily drains the mind of thought and the tongue of the ability to speak. It is more daunting than standing alone in a cemetery's courtyard at night, and it is deeper than the mysteries of the abyss. The unshakeable fear overwhelms and constricts the consciousness of a person down to nothing. Imagine a black hole opening up at the center of the earth that is pulling everything into it with its almighty span of gravity. You know you’re sinking, but you’re stuck not knowing what to do. It gets to a point where you’re actually wondering what happens when you’re sucked in and then, you crash. You crashed at the non-existent guilt and regret. They are non-existent because you believe in yourself and you know the truth in your heart, but this draining silence is shared between those who are in love. It calls out for you, to throw down everything you have when instead, nothing to show. There can never be anything so open, yet closed in its own nature. This type of silence could be the only one that leaves a reminder in the ears of the listener. It is not something easy to handle, because it burns. And he will never wanna face something like that again, because though happiness hits snags along the way, she deserves better than that and he knows he can be better for her.

It's Amazing, That Look In Your Eyes Like You Can Save Me

I just had what most people know as a “nap” to ease my mind of the weight that it’s been carrying. Before the nap, I felt as if my head weighed a ton and so when I woke up I felt refreshed. I woke up feeling lighter, like I had taken off the old heavy, ragged clothes and put on a smooth, new linen robe. Simultaneously, I felt like I had dived into an icy cool lake with a waterfall where I only heard the sound of the rushing water and nothing else around. I felt like dreaming was only an inch away from my fingertips and I was singing to myself as Andy Davis was coming out from mainstream. I was conscious of the other people around me playing at that waterfall, signifying the pollution of noise and hassle in my home, but I wasn’t concerned as I only had my hearing span as far tuned to the sound of rushing water.





And my mind painted a clearer image, for I was there without a care in the world




I was conscious of my thoughts while I was “napping”, as they swirled and wandered effortless past my subconscious eyes but the beauty of that nap was that I felt that these thoughts were not mine. The nap I took was never a deep sleep, and yet I fell so far as to almost dreaming of the possibility of a perfect world. No one ever has this illusion these days, for the world and its hopelessness are taking everyone so far down the lost maze of destruction and confusion that no one knows which way is up anymore. Anointed dreamers who dare dream of this “perfect world” are few, while most thinkers are fortunate enough to believe that peace and happiness still exist beneath the ruins of this incredible upheaval that is omnipresent in this current state of the world. I am one of them believers, for I see my dreams and happiness intact despite the world being in tatters. But I cannot help but be moved by the deteriorating condition of the people, and I observe their lack of godliness and sense every day. People are moving away from the light, the light that keeps us in our direction and the light that allows us to see us as we really are. People are thinking illogically and cynically now, so much so that sometimes I wonder if they are really thinking at all.

A debate broke out in class today about the topic of abortion, where the person supporting it said that it was better to end the life of a premature foetus so that it did not have to suffer the displeasure and ungratefulness of an unwilling parent. He was very staunch in his belief that the baby could be spared of discrimination and unhappiness by being aborted, while even the presenter of the topic emphasized the wishes of the mother ahead of the life of the baby! I had to sit there in disgust with my mouth shut the entire time because I knew my opinion would be regarded as a religious view, not an ethical one. Think I’m a coward for not speaking up? How would you feel if someone spat in your face by saying that Christianity does not apply to anyone who is not a Christian just because it is stated in the Bible that life is life at the moment of conception? See, I tried to speak up earlier but I gave the presenter her opportunity to speak and her argument against mine was that life in a foetus only begins in the second trimester of the pregnancy. I sat there finally understanding the general perception of the world towards abortion but I was hurt, because I am totally against the eradication of potentially beautiful babies. I thought that was the worst part of the session, but I was so wrong. Who I would have done anything not to face stood in front of me telling me the sad truth that officially ruined my morning for good. The lecturer Miss Shima was sharing the methods of aborting a baby, and she was just going on and on like life had no sentimental meaning to her. What I loathed the most about it was the malice in her eyes and the fact that she was sharing it with a smile on her face twisted my heart just as much as it did my insides. I could not take another word from her, I avoided her sinister look as much as I could, and I left as soon as the cue to go came about. After today, I swear I could knock my head against the wall as hard as I can for every child that has had to face a premature ending.








You just can't see them cry because deep down, you know you will too


It has been so disturbing that I wish I could do something about it, but I know I would not make so much of a difference when right here right now a couple or more babies are being executed simultaneously. Babies, even premature ones, should never ever know the meaning of pain before they even see their parents whom they have been feeding off. Everyone, at the time of conception, deserves a chance at life because potentially, they may hold the key to a brighter future for the entire world. But as the world continues to spin on its twisted orbit, greed and exploitation continue to overshadow the little that is left in the good side of man. I have always believed that love could cure all things, and sometimes it is within the tenderness of love that people start to see life in a more unselfish way. I only wish more people knew how to love like I know they can.

If It Is True That Love Is Blind, Then I Am Blind Willingly

So I thought I'd do something different on this blog, something perhaps more personal because it is My blog. But anyway, I'm responding to a tag by Zane and I thought it'd be fun. Haha! I know I've had a few tags already, but to those that I've disregarded I'm sorry. So let's get this over with:




1. What is your favourite food?
Ice cream, because it's hers too =)

2. Have you given your first kiss away?
I wish I had given it to Cerys, but they all feel like firsts with her =)

3. If you were to be stranded on a desert island, who are the 3 blog buddies you would take with you?
Probably Jeremy to keep my sanity in check, Zane to laugh with, and Cerys to hold on to until we get rescued.

4. Where is the place that you want to go the most?
On earth, it'd be Rome or Paris. Intuitively, it has always been heaven. But for now, anywhere but Sunway please...

5. If you can have 1 dream to come true, what would it be?
This one is easy, in an Armani suit watching her as she walks down the aisle to me in her custom-made Christian Lacroix. Wow...

6. Do you believe in seeing a rainbow after the rain?
There's always a rainbow after the rain how I see it.

7. What are you afraid to lose the most now?
Being this happy in love with the only girl I could ever fall for this way.

9. If you meet someone that you love, would you confess to him/her?
I would, definitely. Life is too short!

10. List out 3 good points of the person who tagged you.
Funny, loyal, and crazy brilliant.

11. What's the one thing you like about yourself?
My way with words.

12. Which type of person do you hate the most?
Back-stabbing, two-faced "life unworthy of life".

13. What is your ambition?
Being a leader in whatever I do.

14. If you have fault, would you rather the people around you point out to you or would you rather they keep quiet?
If the truth doesn't hurt so much, then they could point them out. ;)

15. What do you think is the most important thing in your life?
Being happy with the people I care about, free of guilt or shame.

16. Are you a shopaholic or not?
Oh yes, I'm also a money-holic. Lame!

17. Find a word to describe the person who tagged you.
I thought I mentioned three points damn it?! Well, he's great because I love him.

18. What will you do when someone faints in front of you?
Give him/her air, and water. Zane you mofo! Can you only think of girls in this kinda situation? Haha! But it sounds good though, M2M resuscitation =)

19. What makes you different?
My way of thinking and feeling, they're unlike what most people will ever go through.

20. When is your birthday?
JULY 2, people!




So here it is, my first ever tag activity and I think I handled that pretty well don't you think? Haha! I should be studying, but I don't wanna. I wish I was free from the feelings that bind me to the essence of a human being. But love feels so good, how could I ever have lived so long without feeling like this? I could rip my heart out and sing like I'm on top of the Atlas Mts. Thank God for music, the right dose can really do wonders to the soul. I have to go, I'm being too random. Haha! Ciao!

And You Can't Help Falling Down As This Crazy World Goes Round

Thursday the 10th was the day I learned that the important elements in life could be spelled and laid out on the table, offered by the giver to the receiver’s prerogative of whether to accept or refuse. Elements like these are, as were mentioned on the night itself, hard work, commitment, passion, leadership, responsibility, and so much more. It may seem noble to take in everything because, hey who would not want such noble virtues right? Well, it was not so easy as I had found out within the hour of the chat with Jeremy Lee. Sure he knew what he had laid out in front of me, but he wanted to know if I could take those virtues in within myself and look him in the eye and say that I will use them honestly and to the best of my abilities. I know it does not make sense, what I have just typed in the lines above but I am hoping to carve a clearer picture as the post goes along.

The two words, or technically one term, that I had learned that night and that is still etched in my mind is “self-actualization”. Jeremy mentioned it as we made our way to an intimate rendezvous in Bangsar, the perfect setting for a good, long chat. Making our way through the crowded section to our seats in the lonely corner and away from the hustle and bustle of people going about their normal lives, I considered the word for a long time. I had a sense that I knew exactly what the term meant and a gut feeling that it is somehow perfectly applicable to my own life. Jeremy had drawn me something like a triangle, or I would say something like Pascal’s triangle but only without numbers. He wrote the words “basic needs” at the base of this triangle while the term “self-actualization” sat at its summit. Still, I could not figure out what this word meant and I finally gave up in trying to conclude a meaning to it, so I asked. Jeremy took a moment in thought before giving me an example of his life, and how this word applied to him & every other human being. Self-actualization, in the context in which Jeremy had given me, apparently means the complete satisfaction of a human being, where he no longer has any needs and no more substantial wants. Self-actualization is at the top of the triangle of humane requirements for a complete and a rewarding life. Then it made sense to me, of how everyone starts off from basic needs and they make their way up that triangle to that almost perfect achievement of self-actualization. Why a triangle is used in this context is because not everyone makes their way to the top, some fall off and some give up trying to make it to the top. And then it also hit me that the use of the term is as rare as the people who are at that stage in their lives. Self-actualization is a rare phenomenon in reality where people do not actually need anything more to be happy because they already are. Through the glint in Jeremy’s eyes, I knew how this feeling worked and I figured that I should be at that very same top some day. I needed to know how to get there, and as far as Jeremy is concerned, reality throws everything it can against you from reaching that top. Again, this is a battle with reality but one I am willing to emerge victorious because of joy that emits from Jeremy’s own personality. Sometimes it is hard to tell self-actualization apart from gratification because of the way new things come about during the long years you have on this planet, but I see myself at that top, not being just grateful but at that point of self-actualization. Self-actualization is a gradual process, which brings me to mention one of Hitz.fm’s trademark “community-reach” comments: “It is not the years in your life, but the life you put in your ears”. And then I figured that anyone can be self-actualized, but they need to know where they are going and what they are doing to get there. Contentment plays a role in this as I have mentioned my opinion about living right in the previous post. To conclude this chapter of thought and a new experience, I would like to think of self-actualization as a goal because it sure sounds meaningful and rewarding. I have got a faith and I have love, so let’s see what reality has to throw at me to keep me from that summit. Peace!

It’s Still In Our Hands And Our Best-Laid Plans Are All On Our Side

Tonight never felt so refreshing. It is as if I have found myself amidst my consciousness of how cruelly unpredictable the world can be, how fast it is spinning, and how aware I am that what I hold dear to me would be gone in the next subconscious blink of an eye. Awareness of this world, I repeat, has found me my true self. It was companionship that I needed to set this search on its way, the sharing of two minds going through the same shaping process of what we all know as Maturity. I knew today was the perfect moment, I was with the perfect person to share what I needed assurance in believing and to hope for the perfect one day when we will all return to where it all began to review the steps we have taken towards our destiny. My unending stream of thought have been reliant on the following questions: Where am I going? Will I be who I once was to these people? Will I get what I want? Will I be happy? And finally, I needed to know if I will see everyone and all these familiar places the same way ever again few years down the line.

I shared the night with JeremyG, the one person who understood exactly what I had to say, the person who begged to differ from my own hopes and fears, and the person with whom mutual support has always been kindly unspoken. We talked about family, careers, nostalgia, and everything else we could think of within the short period of the hour-and-a-half. We took the trip down memory lane to see if what we have been through is good enough to pull us through University, we questioned the path we took before we started at Sunway, we questioned Sunway, we sought answers to life at University when we have not even begun the first year, we laid the thin sheet of plans to meet again, and we sought meaning and assurance from the Higher Power who controls what we cannot. However, our 18 years of life have taught us not to see life from a set perspective, for it can crush the spirit. How we have made it to where we are have so very often depended on how we have hoped for the best. Am I trying to say that luck played a part? Well, I clearly do not suggest that luck fell upon us from the Heavens above. I have clearly instilled in my mind, along with possible support from the ones who walked down a similar path as I have, that we certainly made the best out of our luck. We created our own luck, like we did enough for ourselves to warrant us equal opportunities to do whatever we have set in our hearts to fulfill.

The constant worry that plagued our minds tonight was not so much of the future, but of the present and whether we felt sufficiently prepared to take the next crucial step up the ladder of life, University. Reviewing the path we took through homeschooling and CIMP in Sunway was how we analyzed this particular worry, and it was encouraging to hear how Jeremy felt satisfied with what he has been through to begin what we believe to be the next four years of toil. I begged to differ, however, for I have always been and will continue to be a critic of my performance and contribution of and to CIMP. It is not that I have never liked the program nor am I saying that it is not the right course to be in, but I felt that I learned more outside the college than in it. College continues to feel like a place where I did not get enough because what was offered was never good enough for me, and it continues to pose significant challenges to my principles. People I chose to call friends and the persistence it took me to overcome specific math equations were the only things that kept me real at college. Some people talk about leaving your mark of originality on a place that means something to you, but Sunway felt only like a small stepping stone to what I know I already am as a person. Take out the education it provided out from the equation and I can tell you that I did not need to be in there. But then this thought becomes too familiar for all to relate, does it not? Talk about being a snob, but I will tell you that it takes sincerity and a critical mindset to admit what you never needed in the first place. It is with this analytical review that I challenge myself not to be branded by my pride and my ego, as some would say. But I continue to think ahead and look forward to the life ahead of me, all the while overcoming the occasional obstacles of assignments and quizzes that still count to my final grades. One thing for sure is I have to get out of this place for the world needs me and there isn’t enough of me to go about =)

Nostalgia is not an emotion. It is an illness that causes the mind to contract, limiting the train of thought from gaining the best of a new environment to being stuck behind the familiar “four walls” where risks were minimal and routines set on a daily basis, with surprises few if there were ever any. Nostalgia is a barrier to reaching the goals that you have worked all your life to fulfill, a hindrance to being the best that you can be. The sad thing about nostalgia is that it is too common, affecting young minds who seek challenges elsewhere to become better, ethical people. But success stories are made by people who found inner strength within their hearts to not only carry the heavy burden of nostalgia down the path to success, but also to throw it off their backs as they become accustomed to and aware of the contribution they make to their new surroundings. These are people who have risen to the occasion, stood up, and be counted for. Do be encouraged, for we live amongst success stories. Stories unheard off and stories never to be uncovered also exist as people reap their rewards of perseverance, slowly leaving behind the pain and burden that once troubled them. I believe people are too beautiful at heart to be influenced by this twisted, entropy-destined planet. But I take heart from the staunch belief that people, regardless of color language, have it in their hearts to find that inner strength, that extra 10%, and that fear of screwing up to be able to carry on living their ideal lives despite the dangers and pit holes existing in every step of the way.

With this, I conclude by saying that all we need is the right motivation and state of mind to take what is rightfully ours in this world. What is rightfully ours is what we deserve to have as we make honest people of ourselves in trying to reach those targets. Respect, admiration, and a place in this world we can call our own stems from the toil and labor that we’ve sowed into the fertile ground of opportunities. Finally, living right is the best way of knowing that the joy in our future successes will be unrivalled to any other emotion. Controversy ensues from my perception of living right, because there can be the religious viewpoint, the ethical viewpoint, and many other viewpoints that may well be considered as measures to living right. It will be safe and sincere for me to say that living right is living the best of your life in each passing day, doing what you think pleases those around you. Contentment of the heart and a guilt-free conscience is my final line of defining the term, and I do believe it is a very adequate one at that. But we as humans fall short of these ideal virtues, for no man can be infallible. It takes every bit of our consciousness to realize that what we can possibly achieve, when perfection is concerned, that it is nowhere near the definition of the word itself. However, I believe that trying our best does a good deal to the spirit and of contentment to the heart. I’ll leave with this, later.

My Once-In-A-Lifetime Kind Of Feeling

"Past experiences have acted as immunizations against the detrimental effects of doubt and disbelief in the joy and motivation-to-live you get from hoping ambitiously against reason." - April 1, 2008


"In an amalgamating society where love takes on a blindingly cruel and cynical perception, only with the truest of hearts can it make its way back to becoming the fairytale emotion and seemingly cast its spell of perfection and permanence on those who truly deserve it." - April 2, 2008


"You don't regain your first love immediately after you've lost it. Treading in the waters of uncertainty and pain is the best way to ensure that when you find love again, it will be just as true and perfect as your First" - April 2, 2008

So if you guys wanna know what I have recently been up to instead of updating this sorry blog, I've been thinking. These little streams of thought are just a few of those that have flooded my mind in recent weeks. When someone says that you have too much to live for, you just dive into your soul to search for truth. And truth is not deemed as facts of the outside world, it is what you know yourself as true because your heart believes in it. So don't say you have too much to live for because you have long years ahead of you, because it wouldn't matter if you don't put the best of your life in those years. Fears, they come and stick to your best dreams like leeches on the host. But fear is what keeps you real, and it makes you stronger to carry out what you have in your heart. So don't say you're afraid to fly, because it is what keeps you from dreaming big. Search for your true dreams and try to live for them, because they'll take you to where happiness will be most complete and rewarding. Thank you for reading, I'll be back soon.